9/26/09
Why would God help me when i'm not even helping myself?
For what seemed like ages ago, i felt really exhausted and tired of just about everything in my life.
And i'm starting to doubt even myself...
(disappears for now until he thinks he's ready to do a proper post)
9/24/09
szewei chose not to escape again, and he's feeling way better already =)
Thank God!
(Don't ask what did i do anyway. Heh)
9/23/09
Escaping... Escaped.
9/22/09
Buddies!
Great dinner with you guys, really appreciate it all =)
There's one full day tomorrow. It's time to do
it.Whatever the outcome, i shall leave it to Him up there to decide.
9/21/09
Soon it will all end for now, and a new start awaits.
I fear the new beginning though, because i don't know whether will it be a good one or worse than before.
One thing for sure is, it's in my hands.
And while i'm at it, God is watching.
Watch out.
9/19/09
"不要愧对你自己, 爱自己多一点."
But, all along it's just me as usual.
I could hate myself for not securing the As, but i could also love myself for doing consistently better than many others.
The inner me prefers the former statement i guess.
I don't show it often, neither do i talk about this. But i'm just as competitive as many others when it comes to academics. And I care more about the achievements and the end-results than the process itself.
There are people who struggle to pass their subjects. Me? I only think of whether do i get my distinctions or not.
I remember clearly: there was once in sec 2 when i cried simply because i didn't get full marks for that math test.
All these years i did not change, and i don't see one coming either.
I learnt to adapt to others surrounding me and the environment we all live in. I changed many of my ways to suit others so that they are comfortable with me.
But i guess, just as Ms Siau and some others pointed out, i haven't learn to love myself enough. Always concerned about others while neglecting myself isn't a good thing. Worse, i start ill-treating myself when i shouldn't be.
A point to ponder over.
爱自己? 我也想.
9/16/09
As though everything turned upside down.
It's not like i didn't prepare either. I spent as much time on math as the other subjects combined.
Yet i end up disappointing myself when the real paper is here.
Stooopid me.
9/13/09
It's time.
Do or die.
9/12/09
I've found myself in a situation (again) in which i don't know whether should i be glad or disappointed.
But then again, i will never get to find out the answer to this question that will ring continously in my mind for quite some time.
Put it aside, szewei.
In any case, it's another week or so of torture and it will all be gone for the moment.
I'll make sure i take a good break after all these.
Physically, mentally,
emotionally, spiritually.
It's high time that i learn to please myself first before others anyway.
Though i don't know if i will ever find the way i want to do it again.
There is only a single thing on my mind now.
Just one issue: the big one coming up next week.
Whether by choice or not.我笑着, 倾听孤单终结后的寂寞.
Ironical? 真是哭笑不得.
9/9/09
Everything hit me particularly hard today.
Even now i don't know what to write also.
I just want to get out, to somewhere far and empty, void of
everything else.
Or how about, i'm just waiting to fall to rock-bottom so that i can really pick myself up again.
Time is the most scarce resource we can ever have.
It doesn't come easily, and it goes as though it never came.
Looking back now, there are just too many things that went by even without us noticing or bothered about them. And we realised that we should had appreciated more of them, having lost them already.
Two weeks ago, three months ago, one year ago, two years ago, the list goes on.
We just can't bear to let go of the 'agos' easily, simply because they form part of our memories that can't be erased.
And we yearn for them to be back, even though we know it's impossible. But hey, the present and future are in our hands to create even more 'agos', isn't it?
So i say, make use of the past to push yourself even further, so as to create a meaningful present for a better future.
Whatever that cannot be recovered already, then let it be.
失去的, 也就是找不回的.
但是人海茫茫中, 我多么想在人群中望见你的踪影.
9/7/09
The least you can do for yourself is be truthful to yourself.
Why hide behind a facade?
If you can't even face your true self, you don't have the right to face the rest of the world.
Talk is cheap of course, and nobody once said this is going to be easy.
9/5/09
My mind is so blank these days.
The aftermath, perhaps?
Guess i'll need something else to fill it, other than just plain studying.
9/3/09
It's all part of the growing up process.
Just that i had it earlier than usual, at an unexpected and inappropriate timing.
But that doesn't mean i should be denying myself of the right to get back on track.
There are so many more things waiting for me out there =)
GP is screwed up, no doubts.
But i shall take my revenge on the other papers.
Forward is the only way out now;
there is no turning back from this point onwards.
I'm back (hopefully).
9/2/09
Just what is wrong with me.
And i'm still trying to find a suitable time to put everything aside.
Everything just hits me one after another.
Makes me wonder when can i ever rest from all these.
But i know i'm near there soon, though i'm not so sure if that's where my heart want to be.
Because i don't want to let go,
and I can only put it aside for now.
I'm just totally amazed, at what a fake he can be.
Makes me even more sure of how dubious and suspicious he can get.
And to think we've discovered all these only now, what a shame.
Fair enough, he don't have my trust all these while and he won't get to have any.
And you, why keep me in the dark all along?
You could had told me about all these,
which i really wonder why you didn't.
Oh wait, i just remembered that i don't have the right to complain anymore.
Still, at the very least, i hope to know why also.
